BELOVED TV ICON MISSING - A Parody
By Michael Wurl
Sad news for fans of the wonderful Alex Toth designed Herculoids TV show.
Former TV Star Gloopus 'Gloop' Hopfenglatzer, 71,
missing and feared dead, authorities report.
"I almost didn't recognize him, he had stubble all over his...face? I guess that's what you'd call it, his face...anyway, I was in the stall finishing up my constitutional, when this guy busts into the restroom and starts pushing on the stall door! I yelled 'Occupied!', but the next thing I knew he kind of oozes under the stall door and pinned me againts the back of the stall. He smelled like Doritos and cheap vodka. I had to wait until he had finished his business, and eventually he left. It was like he didn't even see me or something. Later I was watching TV at home when I couldn't believe my eyes! "That's the guy I told you about, Snookums!" I yelled to my wife, who had been a big Herculoids fan as a kid. She said I should've gotten his autograph, but I didn't know it was him. Plus, he was a real a-hole, if you know what I mean."
Police artist sketch of how Gloop looked on the night
of March 24th, 2010, the last time he was seen alive.
of March 24th, 2010, the last time he was seen alive.
In light of this shocking and perhaps tragic news, it is ironic how I had just been writing about him in that comment section.
~ Here is the gist of my original comment posted just yesterday:
Gleep Rocks, Gloop Sucks!
Herculoids is the top 5 superheroes of ALL TIME!! and number one is Gleep! He's ten times better than Gloop! Did you know that half of Gloops shots were done by Gleep? Did you know that almost ALL of Gloop's dangerous stunts were performed by Gleep? Remember the episode where Gloop surrounded the flame monster and snuffed out the fire? That was Gleep! Gleep recieved 3rd degree burns all over his plasm, yet he kept on working! Gloop spent half of his day in the trailer, drinking! Gloop sucks!
Gleep for president!
____________________________
Now I feel kind of guilty bad-mouthing him that way, in light of his 'missing' status, but most if not all of my information for that comment was obtained directly from a recent book written by one of the stars of the show, who had worked side by side with Gloop for several seasons. Here is an excerpt, printed here with permission from the author.
Tarra Van Tinkler (nee Foomphs), former actress on the TV series The Herculoids,
lately can be found late nights on HSN selling Teefs-Blingz toothpaste.
She reveals some dark secrets about the beloved show
in her recent book, 'Herculoids Unmasked'.
______________________________
Onscreen passion between her and TV husband Zandor all fake,
says former TV actress. "That was the result of great acting and careful editing,"
reveals Tarra Van Tinkler, who played herself on popular TV program in the 60's.
Unbenownst to all his fans, actor Zandor Cowznofski was reportedly gay, and extremely promiscuous,
according to several sources who worked on set for the series in the late 60's.
Cowznofski died in 1977 in a widely publicized and tragic
ice-fishing/auto-erotic asphyxiation related electrical mishap.
According to TV spokesperson Tarra Van Tinkler,
things were not all 'quiet on the set' of The Herculoids.
(Above, an early publicity photo featuring the soon to be replaced ill-fated 'first' Dorno.)
The infamous Dorno Buttocks incident
Tundro Marcelieau (center rear) currently resides in France,
while Igoo Martin-Smythe (far right) has a successful proctology practice in Scranton.
Is that Gleep and Gloop riding Tundro?
Nope, that's the special effects wizardry of Henry Smooch at work,
mixing two seperate shots of Gleep to look like Gloop and Gleep!
~ Many more juicy behind the scenes details can be found in the recent book Herculoids Unmasked, published by Obvious Parody Books and Completely Fake Publishers Co. Inc.
Herculoids publicity still, circa 1967 - from left to right (front):
Tundro, Zandor, Tarra, Dorno,Gleep, Gloop, Igoo, and Zok (rear).
Rumors confirmed: was there infighting and debauchery behind the scenes?
Yes, according to the former actress Tarra Van Tinkler, who at the time went by
her maiden name,Tarra Foomphs. "Zandor was gay and in heat, Tundro barely spoke English,
Gloop was a dirty drunk, and Igoo was all touchy-feely with everyone,
which didn't go down well with most of the cast, except Zandor" says Van Tinkler.
"Zok was always leaving his droppings all over the soundstage,
and outside the trailers was filthy from it. The only cast member
I remember fondly was Verm (Gleep), who bought me special
chocolate eggnog malted milk-shakes at the local Rexall store."
This was an excerpt from the book, "Herculoids Unmasked", by former TV star, Tarra Foomphs, who played herself on the popular series. For a revealing and shocking read, pick up a copy at your local fictictious bookstore. (currently out of print)
Brothers Vermal 'Gleep' Gleepston Hopfenglatzer
and Gloopus 'Gloop' Portnoy Hopfenglatzer share a laugh
in happier times on the set of TV's The Herculoids in 1967.
We will continue to monitor the situation and update you here with any
new reports regarding the welfare of TV's Gloop.
Police have asked all concerned parties,
"Please do not harrass the Hopfenglatzer family or throw jelly beans in support."
new reports regarding the welfare of TV's Gloop.
Police have asked all concerned parties,
"Please do not harrass the Hopfenglatzer family or throw jelly beans in support."
____________________________
For readers unfamiliar with The Herculoids, here is an episode
presented in a foreign language to make things clearer.
presented in a foreign language to make things clearer.
HAHA! This explains a lot!
ReplyDeleteAwesome. The first in a series of exposes, I hope!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! I love The Heculoids! I love this post!
ReplyDeleteRip Off
What the heck was that all about???
ReplyDeleteI am not amused. Now, if you came up with something that suggested that Gloop was secretly crushing on Tara (one r, not two), then we might have something.....
ReplyDeleteLookin' forward to another post! In the meantime -- I have nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger Award!
ReplyDeletehttp://sequentialcrush.blogspot.com/2010/05/award-some-links-and-few-little-know.html
I understand Zok was so overcome with grief over Gloop still being missing, he could no longer concentrate the energy beams from his two eyes and tail into a single location anymore.
ReplyDeleteThis has effectively left Zok paralyzed super-heroically over the grief he feels.
Cheers!
Steven G. Willis
XOWComics.com
Where yer at?Haven't seen hide nor hair of a blog update or new posting.Are you still among the living?At least give us one post a month if you have to.
ReplyDeleteJaqcue, thank you for the honor! I apologize for not responding correctly, as I have been phasing in and out of this time continuum for about 3 months now, completely beyond my control...
ReplyDelete...and to everyone else, thanks for the great comments. Sorry for the disappearing act... Eventually I hope to reintegrate permanently, as soon as I can tweak my time-travel device correctly.
Anybody got a Zotz-head screwdriver I can borrow?